Aliens Don't Wear Fukus
by Dark Arwen
Summary: A Sailor Moon-X Files-Ranma1/2-Sienfeld-Nsync Crossover. Madness and Mayhem. Read and Review Please :: makes a puppy face ::


"ALIENS DON'T WEAR FUKUS" (That means uniforms)  
A Crossover  
By Sumiko  
********************************************************************************  
I do not own Sailor Moon, The X-files, Sienfeld, Nsync, Ranma ½,   
Baldwinsville New York, The Oregon Trail Computer Game, or anything else that   
happens to appear in this fanfic. But I DO own Bobby… heh heh heh… Ok   
hopefully now nobody will sue me. PLEASE REVIEW THIS!  
This fic is the result of too much sugar and phone therapy. When in   
doubt, you can blame it on Tom. (ha ha ha) And just remember…  
"There is a method to the madness and a madness to the method."  
And now, without further ado, on with the show…  
********************************************************************************  
BALDWINSVILLE, NY  
NOVEMBER 7, 7:01 PM  
((A man is walking through the woods of a suburban community, called Radisson.  
There is a young boy walking with him.))  
Man: ::looks around nervously:: Bobby, take the dog and go home. Walk very   
slowly, don't run. I think we're being followed.  
Boy: ::turns around in a slow circle:: But Dad...  
Man: Do what I tell you, Bobby. Now go. I'll be along soon.  
Boy: ::looks nervous:: Okay Dad. You'll be right behind me?  
Man: ::nods:: Go. I'm right behind you.  
Boy: ::starts to walk away::  
((The boy is about 25 yards away from where his father was standing. He can't   
see his dad, but he can hear shouting through the trees.))  
Man: BOBBY!!! RUN!!! RUUUUUUNNNNN!!!  
Boy: DAD! ::Turns and runs away::  
********************************************************************************  
FBI HEADQUARTERS   
WASHINGTON, D.C.  
NOVEMBER 10, 3:42 PM  
Mulder: ::puts his feet on his desk:: Hey Scully, we have another case.   
Scully: About what? I haven't read the file yet, and I kind of have my hands   
full. ::nods at some books she is putting on a bookshelf::  
Mulder: ::checks his watch:: ((to himself)) Hey! Almost time to go home! Oh   
yeah, the case... People in some town in the middle of nowhere are mysteriously   
disappearing, and   
they want us to go investigate. Exciting, huh? Probably just another serial   
killer. ::picks up his Far Side desk calendar, reads the cartoon and laughs   
softly::  
Scully: ::finishes putting the books on the shelf and picks up the folder,   
opens and reads the first page:: Baldwinsville. Huh. Some name. ::thinks a   
minute:: Hey isn't that near Syracuse?  
Mulder: Yeah. I feel sorry for the kids who have to learn to spell this stuff.  
Scully: ::looks over the folder at Mulder:: I drove last time. You're driving.  
Mulder: ::throws his hands up in the air:: Oh no. Remember what happened last   
time I drove? We got chased through a cornfield in the middle of the Texas   
desert by black helicopters, stung by bees from Hell, and you wound up being   
taken over by A1-Sauce in Antarctica. You drive.  
Scully: Well, since you put it that way...  
ONONDAGA LAKE  
1:19 AM  
Scully: Dammit, Mulder, why did you get off that exit? I told you not to, and   
now we're off the thruway and lost.   
Mulder: Aww, shut up. Sit back, relax and enjoy the scenery. On your left, we   
have a beautiful view of the Most Polluted Lake In The World...  
Scully: All right, all right, you've made your point. I'll just get out a map.   
::pulls out a map::  
Okay, we're on Onondaga Lake Parkway. Go straight for awhile, then go right.   
Wake me up when we're there. ::falls asleep::  
BALDWINSVILLE BED AND BREAKFAST  
9:27 AM  
((A short, bald man runs screaming down the hall of the hotel, and starts   
banging on a door.))  
Man:: JERRY! JERRRY! HURRY UP! JERRY!  
Mulder: ::comes to the door with his mouth full of toothpaste:: Who the hell   
are you?  
Man: ::taken aback:: I'm sorry, I must have knocked on the wrong door. I'm   
George Kastanza. I was looking for my friend Jerry.  
Mulder: Hold on a second. ::goes to the next door:: ::knocks:: Scully? You   
awake yet? Scully!  
Scully: ::come to the door fully dressed:: What do you want?  
Mulder: ::looks at her:: Don't you ever sleep?  
Scully: No. I don't sleep. It's a government conspiracy, you see, I never   
sleep.  
((Three people walk down the hall to George))  
Man: George, where the hell were you? We were looking all over for you!   
::looks at Mulder and Scully:: Who are you?  
Mulder: Special Agent Fox Mulder, FBI. ::holds up his badge::  
Scully: Special Agent Dana Scully, FBI. ::holds up her badge::  
Man: Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld.  
Man: Greetings. My name is Cosmo Kramer, but everyone just calls me Kramer.  
Woman: Hi. I'm Elaine Bennice. My boss calls me Susie, but... you can't call   
me that.  
Kramer: So, Fox...  
Mulder: You call me that again and I'll shoot you. I have a gun in my room.  
Scully: Mulder, be nice. You can't go shooting people on your first day here.  
Jerry: So what are two FBI agents doing in this little nowhere town?  
Mulder: We're going hiking in the woods to look for serial killers. Or   
something. And we're going now so...bye. ::goes back into his room and shuts   
the door::  
Elaine: ::looks at Scully:: Cool! Can we come?  
Scully: Ummm... no. ::goes back into her room::  
George: I know! Let's follow them!  
Jerry: Okay. There's nothing else to do here.  
Karmer: ::takes his wallet out of his pocket and waves it at Jerry:: Cosmo   
Kramer, FBI!!!  
Elaine: Cut it out.  
((They walk down the hall and leave. At the same time, Mulder and Scully open   
their doors a crack and stick their heads out.))  
Scully: Are they gone?  
Mulder: Scary. They should be an X-file. Well, let's go.  
Scully: Okay.  
((A little while later, they are standing in the woods with Bobby. There are   
police all over the place and the clearing is taped off.))  
Scully: Thank you for telling us what you saw, Bobby. You can go back to your   
mother now. ::turns to Mulder as Bobby leaves:: I don't know. He's the only   
available witness, but somehow... girls wearing short skirts, and a guy in a   
cape? Sounds like one of those weird Japanese comic book stories.  
Mulder: Well, there's nothing we can do here for a while. Want to go get lunch?  
((They are interrupted by a scream from about 100 yards away from the taped off   
area.  
Mulder and Scully pull out their guns and run in that general direction. No one   
else follows them- they let the trained professionals do the work.))  
((In the middle of the woods))  
Mulder: It was coming from around here, Scully.  
From the trees: Mercury Bubbles Blast!  
((The area becomes filled with a cold fog.))  
Scully: ::turning in a circle:: Christ, Mulder, what was that?  
((A silhouette forms. It is a girl, they can tell from the voice.))  
Girl: Let this be a warning. Do not come here again. If you interfere ::she   
pauses and turns slightly:: you will die. ::the shadow disappears::  
((The fog fades away, and Mulder and Scully are alone. Suddenly they see Jerry,   
George, Kramer and Elaine coming toward them.))  
Kramer: ::Waving:: Hey, did you guys see those girls?  
Mulder: What girls? What are you talking about? We couldn't see anything.  
Kramer: ::looking up:: they were sitting in the trees... ::points:: There's one!   
I told ya!!  
(( Mulder and Scully look up and see, not five girls, but five guys. One could   
be mistaken for a girl, one was eating a twinkie, one was looking in a hand held   
mirror, one was leaning on a cane, and the last was twitching on the ground,   
meowing. They are none other than the famous boy band Nsync ))  
Nsync: :: in unison :: Hi! We're Nsync!  
Mulder: Oh my god.   
Lance: ::prances up to him :: like, oh my god hi, it's Fox Mulder… can I touch   
you? :: Mulder vomits and Lance goes over to Scully:: Oh my god, I love your   
hair, where do you get it done?  
(( Scully kicks Lance in the head, shutting him up.))  
Justin: Hey dat be Scully yo. Thanks fo kickin im in da head yo. Dat's pretty   
fly, ya know what ah'm sayin?  
Joey: Heeeeeey, who's the pretty lady? ::leers at Scully::  
Chris: ::sqinting:: Who's there? I don't have my glasses on… Oh! My back!   
Ah! My heart! :: grabs his chest and falls to the ground, dead of old age.::  
JC: ::meows:: Where's Jerome… crack I need my cr… I mean, my Bible! Yeah, that's   
it… my Bible! :: meows again ::  
Kramer: Hey Mulder, you're looking in the wrong direction.  
((Mulder and Scully turn their backs on Nsync, and look up into the trees   
again))  
Kramer: See! There's those girls! In that tree right there!  
((They all look up. All of a sudden, there is a cry))   
MOON SPIRAL HEART ATTACK!!!  
((A beam of pink energy hits Kramer and he falls backwards))  
Kramer: LOVELY!!! ::turns to dust::  
((At this point everyone runs away))  
Jerry, George, Elaine, Mulder: RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!  
Scully: ::rolls her eyes and walks calmly away::  
((LATER))  
George: ::babbling hysterically:: KRAMER'S DEAD! KRAMER'S DEAD! Etc...  
Jerry: Shut up.  
Mulder: ::looks up from his laptop:: Hey you guys, I think I've found   
something.  
Scully: ::walks up and looks over his shoulder:: Mulder, what are you doing?  
Mulder: Shut up a minute, Scully, and listen to me. ::everyone else shuts up::  
Okay. In Japan, there is a myth that goes back roughly a thousand years. Kay?  
Anyway, a thousand years ago some evil queen tried to take over our universe.   
Princess Serenity, a princess of the Moon, and a princess from each of the nine   
planets, tried to stop her but were killed. Her mother, Queen Serenity, sent   
all of the dead Princesses and Queen Beryl to the future to fight using the   
power of something called an "imperium silver crystal."   
Scully: ::pulls out her handgun and takes the lock off:: Should I put you out   
of your misery now or should I wait fifteen minutes?  
Mulder: Wait fifteen minutes. I'm not done. Anyway, these girls were called   
the "sailor scouts." I think that's them in the woods. They have really tiny   
outfits. The guy with them was Tuxedo Mask. Let's go find out!  
Elaine, George, Jerry: TUXEDO MASK?!?!?  
Scully: ::rolls her eyes:: Okay, okay, but just because I didn't get you a   
birthday present.  
But if this gets out, do you understand the repercussions? They could close the   
X-Files!  
Just because you decide to chase aliens wearing short skirts. I mean, give it   
up, Mulder,  
you're not going to get a date with one of them or anything.  
((Later))  
(A clearing in the woods. It's almost midnight. Mulder and Scully are wandering   
around with flashlights, going "Hello? Hello?")  
Suddenly there is a flash of light and a girl with a bizarre hairdo appears in   
front of them.  
Mulder: Who are you?  
Girl: ::striking a pose and waving her arms around while making the "I love you   
sign"::  
I am Sailor Moon, defender of love and justice! I will right wrong and triumph   
over evil!  
And that means you!!! ::As she says this bull, the rest of the scouts, Tuxedo   
Mask appear behind her::  
::did I mention that Jerry, George, and Elaine are there too?::  
Jerry: ::pushes George forward:: Take him! He's the most expendable one!!!  
::gets down on his knees:: just don't kill me, please don't kill me!!!  
George: :looks down at Jerry, disgusted:: I thought you were a man. Next time   
you're buying lunch.  
Scully: ::hits both Jerry and George in the back of the head with her gun, and   
they fall forward, knocked out::  
Mulder: ::whistles:: Nice move, Scully. Where'd you pick that one up?  
Scully: Japanese animation movies.  
Elaine: ::staring at the Sailor Scouts:: Hey, who's that guys behind you, Cape   
Boy?  
Tuxedo Mask: ::growls:: Don't call me Cape Boy! ::turns around anyway::: Hey!   
Who are you?  
Guy: I'm Ryoga Hibiki and I'm lost.  
((Another guy walks out of the woods. He walks over to Ryoga and yells at him   
for getting lost. Ryoga takes a swing at him but misses. The other guys hits   
him in the face. Ryoga throws cold water on him and he turns into a girl. The   
girl(guy?) throws cold water on Ryoga, who turns into a pig. He(she?) is about   
to strangle the pig when a girl with short black hair walks out of the woods.))  
Girl: RANMA!!! ::Hits him/her upside the head with a frying pan:: How dare you   
try to kill my poor little P-chan? Owaaa, poor little piggy. ::pulls him up by   
his braid:: We're going home. RIGHT NOW.  
Ranma: But Akane...!!!  
((They leave. Mulder is banging his head on a tree repeatedly))  
((Elaine has cholera.))  
((Elaine has died.))  
((Your party has not made it to Oregon. What would you like on your   
tombstone?))  
Sailor Mars: ::pokes Tux in the back:: Hahaha, Cape Boy! Hee hee!  
Sailor Moon: We are searching for the Silver Imperium Crystal. Then we will   
have the power to release the Negaverse!!!  
Sailor Venus: ::sweatdrops:: Umm, wrong side, blondie.  
Sailor Moon: I said we had the power. I never said we were going to use it!   
::turns back to Mulder and Scully:: you have three minutes to leave. ::they   
disappear::  
Mulder: Okay, you win. That was too weird, even for me...  
Scully: You're driving!   
((they walk away, arms around each other's shoulders))  
((Scully stops and picks up a locket. She opens it, and there's a crystal   
inside. Suddenly she looks up and sees a little black cat with a crescent moon   
on its forehead. It's watching her.))  
Scully: Hey Mulder, isn't that cat odd looking?  
((forgetting about the locket, Scully drops it. She is arguing with Mulder over   
who will drive back.))  
Cat: ::as soon as Scully and Mulder are out of earshot:: I really don't think   
I'm odd looking.  
Do you, Artemis? Artemis? Ooh, that cat... ::she picks up the locket in her   
mouth and walks back into the woods::  
JC: ::meows::  
  
THE END  
  



End file.
